Gaining Some

I have been trying to lose some pounds for a while now. I’ve been doing yoga, dancercise and even considered top diet pills. All to no avail (of course, just considering the diet pills doesn’t help, buy you get my gist). I have been steadily gaining the pounds. I was having a difficult time understanding it, but then realized something.

My medication for the FM is probably making this happen.

One of the methods of treating Fibromyalgia is anti-depressants. I can’t take the usual kind- such as Lexapro - because I’m allergic to SSRIs. So I’m taking Elavil in small doses. Still, one of the side effects is, sadly, weight gain. And it’s working a little too well in that area, I think. Yikes!

Another thing that could be working against my efforts to slim down is my reproductive ills. I have a 3.3 cm (1.15… inch) cystic mass on my left ovary. My Gyn says that it’s nothing to be worried about, but that it could be messing with my hormones. That can cause a whole range of issues, most of which I’m certain affect me right now. The solution? Medication, of course. Birth control pills. I think we all know what one of the side effects of those is. That’s right, folks. Weight gain.

I should be thinking about my self in a more positive manner, but I am absolutely convinced that some of my medical issues are stemming from my weight. For instance, my lack of energy. Were I a few pounds lighter I would no doubt have more energy. Also, my hip and ankle issues. Hello? I’m 5 foot 1 inch tall and my poor ankles and hips aren’t designed to carry this much weight. I think if I dropped down to a more healthy weight these issues would resolve themselves. Ya know?

Of course, it doesn’t help that my beautiful daughter weighed in at 161 lbs when she gave birth and almost two weeks later is a svelt 120 lbs. She’s lost 40 pounds and that makes me green, green, GREEN with envy. Seriously, I want to do that. LOL! I would like to mention, though, that I’m happy for her because she’s gotten past the danger of the pre-eclampsia and my jealously is purely selfish wishing. She still looks much better than that cheeky friend of hers that I can’t stand.

Today we go for a long walk and HOPEFULLY I’ll be able to manage my pain afterward.

Keep your fingers crossed.

Meditating the Pain Away

A few years ago we went to South Carolina and stayed in a Hilton Head rental. We stayed for a week and a half and I loved it. It was the best vacation I’d ever had. We had immediate access to a private beach, a pool and spent a lot of time strolling along the walking paths (like a sidewalk but different). Being so close to the ocean was calming for me and so I use my memories from there for meditation purposes.

There are many health benefits of meditation which include but are not limited to:

• Stress reduction

  Meditating properly helps bring stress chemicals down to normal levels, eases anxiety, and for some people even cures phobias.

  Neuroscientists have found that meditators shift their brain activity to different areas of the cortex - brain waves in the stress-prone right frontal cortex move to the calmer left frontal cortex. This mental shift decreases the negative effects of stress, mild depression and anxiety.[source]

• Decreases blood pressure

  See Above for why.

• Decreases muscle tension which can reduce the frequency and severity of headaches

  Learning to recognize muscle tension through meditation is an excellent way of controlling chronic pain. Many people suffer from tension (stress) headaches and proper meditation can reduce that.

• Increases self-awareness

  This can help with problem solving and issues with low self-confidence. Most meditation requires that you remove all thought from your mind and float in “nothing”. Because of emotional conflicts, the practitioner is forced to deal with issues s/he wasn’t aware of previously. Then the brain follows paths to a resolution to these conflicts, leading to higher levels of self-confidence. [source]

How Do I Do It?

Depending on what you read regarding meditation you are either supposed to empty your mind and completely relax or focus on something that relaxes you. It’s almost impossible for me to completely empty my mind. Just thinking about emptying my mind causes me to think about something. Obviously that method doesn’t work for me. And it may not work for you. My method may not work for you either, so take that into consideration if you try it.

First, I make sure that I have absolute solitude. I cannot be disturbed during my meditation. Because I’m a mom and wife, I have to make sure there’s no one home and the dog is outside. I go into a room with no phone and no television. Nothing to distract me from my meditation time.

Then, I put on a CD of sounds of nature. I particularly like the sounds of thunderstorms or waves breaking in the ocean. I try to limit the sounds of animals as they can be too distracting for me. I place a folded blanket on the floor and sit cross-legged on that. Then I close my eyes.

This is when I go back to Hilton Head. It’s a more complex type of meditation than what you may have read about elsewhere. With my eyes closed I imagine the blue sky above me. Then, if I’m using the ocean CD, I imagine looking toward the shore with the waves crashing against the sand. I imagine the smell of a salty breeze and the feel of fine sand under my legs. I use my mind’s eye to walk me from one sensation to the next until all of my senses are utilized.

When I’m at a place where I can almost believe I’m really on that beach in Hilton Head, I start to really relax. I start by relaxing the muscles on the top of my head and work my way down to my toes. I mentally find every muscle that is being used and relax it just enough (I don’t want to fall asleep or fall over). This is amazingly useful in finding those trouble spots that you didn’t know were troublesome. I imagine that each muscle is being smoothed over by a warm breeze. I do this for each part of my body, including my face and, yes, my ears.

Finally I’m completely relaxed and I let myself “walk” down the beach. When I was physically in Hilton Head, the early morning was the best time of day for me. I could walk on that beach and not be bothered by anyone- save for the occasional jogger. Since I was the only one in my family who enjoyed these walks, I was left alone with myself and Mother Nature. It was peaceful and I was completely content. It was a near-perfect experience for me. And so, when I meditate I take myself back there.

Today there is much emphasis on medications to ease your mind and calm your body. Many people still scoff at the “New Age” practice of meditation¹ and refuse to contemplate it. But when you’ve exhausted the options modern medicine offers for stress-relief and pain management, meditation is really something to consider. Because, believe it or not, it really works.

1. Though meditation has been practiced for centuries in Eastern cultures [↩]

The Sun Doesn’t Like Me

I have been so sick this past week. It seems like the sun comes out and sucks away all of my energy. Throughout the winter I was sure I’d found a way to deal with this evil illness, then spring came. Just in time for me to happily putt around in my yard. In the sun. Which sucked my energy dry. I can’t even blame it on the stress. I’ve been more stressed out in previous- cold and sunless months - than I’ve been this whole past week. I’d still like to go on one of those luxury vacations- as long as it’s as fun indoors as it is outdoors.

Can I just say that I’m really upset that going outside makes me so damned sick? Can I just say that it would be nice if I didn’t feel the need to sleep three whole hours in the middle of the day? Can I just say… Nevermind.

In other more jolly news:
Have you seen Wendy Piersall’s Ultimate List of Moms on Twitter? I’m proud to be included. Anyway, she put it up the first part of April and it’s officially gone crazy. As of this writing there are 318 comments- most of which are twittering moms listing their twitter IDs. The list in incredibly useful. If you haven’t done so, and you’re a twittering mom, go put your name on the list. And if you want to follow me (though I’m mostly pretty quiet) my ID is Lizzief. I’ll follow anyone that isn’t a spammer.

Speaking of…

Yesterday when I mentioned that my husband wanted to give up this job for his dream, I had yet to get my mail. It seems that our insurance deductible was raised another $1000 since Pee Wee started seeing our OB/Gyn. It’s up to $2000 per person and $4000 for the family. We were hoping that her stay in the hospital was going to pay for the deductible so we wouldn’t have to pay $2,400 to the OB. We were wrong in a big way. To put things in perspective, our insurance deductible was $350 per person/$750 for family in January 2006. In June they raised it $1000 per person/$3000 for the family. And now it’s gone up again.

I imagine I’ll soon have to buy a bulk load of exam gloves and start treating my families ills with herbal medicine and homeopathic remedies. Strawberries, by the way, are good for bruising (smashed and applied as a compress) unless your child is allergic. Then they suck too.

Looks like we’re going to have to dump the insurance after all. I’m glad that everyone else will be covered by something (though Steve still has to pay a small co-pay for the VA doctor). As long as I stay poor and don’t find my footing in my “career” the medical for the kids will be taken care of, albeit by doctor’s that are overloaded, mean, and really don’t care too much for medicaid kids. That sucks too.

I think I might need a nap already.

I Get A Little Sidetracked

I have been having some real issues at home and at school lately. Most of those issues are time-related and it’s pretty much all my fault. I was spending way too much time on Twitter, reading forums, watching videos… It’s pretty easy to be unproductive while working online, that’s for sure.

Of course, I’ve been doing a lot of work outside. I probably shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. It’s gorgeous out there right now. Winter is finally over, the flowers are finally up and things have got to get done. Steve and I are working on some motion-activated lighting because the other night someone came through to our back yard and left our gate open. The neighbor’s car was broken into, so we think they were probably checking our house too. Warm weather brings more than beautiful flowers, I’m afraid. At any rate, my flower beds are shamefully neglected. Last summer I was sick and when I had energy it was spent tending to Steve’s vegetable patch. Not this year. This year is all about my posies. He’ll have to tend to his own tomatoes.

Speaking of tending things, my husband has decided it is his dream to be a cattle hand. He wants to work at a local dairy farm instead of where he’s currently employed. He wants me to apply for the medical card for Mags so he can get rid of the insurance. Of course, while Mags and Pee Wee will be covered by the medical card, he’ll get VA benefits and I’ll get…zilch. Because we work I can’t get the medical card and the VA doesn’t offer benefits for spouses. Isn’t that lovely? He says we’ll put back money for my medical expenses. Except that his pay will be cut directly in half, he won’t get overtime (farmers are exempt from paying it) and we won’t have enough to pay our regular bills. He’ll be living his “Farmer Brown” dream, though. Yippee!!¹ He also closed out our IRA fund. Isn’t that lovely? Who needs a retirement fund when there are (someone else’s) cows to be milked? Feh.

Someone in the BellaOnline forums mentioned to me that I look young (in a conversation on why I probably convinced my daughter to go out and get pregnant² because I was a young mother and…). I’m thinking I won’t look so young much longer. I’ll be turning 35 pretty soon and I’ll start looking 66 soon after. There’s no doubt in my mind.

So, what am I doing to insure our family doesn’t go belly up? Sadly, not a whole lot right now. Hopefully things will pick up for me and I’ll be able to report something other than just family news. I have something in the fire right now, but it’s taking a while to pan out. It’s got something to do with pre-screening and getting the ok from publicists. That’s all I’m saying. I keep trudging along, taking the good opportunities as they come. I think if I keep taking risks, putting my neck out, and facing rejection head on I may just find that golden egg.

1. This is the part where I refuse to be the supportive wife. My husband has gone insane. [↩]
2. Which is a story not for this blog, I think. [↩]

And Four Hours Later

I was wrong when I wrote that everything was going well with Pee Wee. We went for her “growth” check ultrasound yesterday and they noticed that there was some “funneling”. Seems that is just a fancy term for the cervix opening from the inside. So it was only seen through a transvaginal ultrasound¹. The tech wanted us to wait for the doctor to see what we should do.

Now, Pee Wee and I both said that the fetal/maternal medicine doctors knew her cervix had opened (though we both assumed it was obvious from eyeball examination) and that’s why she was on restricted movement, blah blah blah. We ended up talking to one of the doctors on the clinic staff who had actually come in to check on Pee Wee when she was in the hospital.

This is where I was wrong. I thought we had some decent doctors here. Um, huh?

First, the doctor didn’t recognize Pee Wee. Secondly, she informed us that she didn’t have the ultrasound that was done at the hospital and so couldn’t compare the two. She wanted to admit Pee Wee again. Well, before we told her she’d already been in the hospital. Didn’t these people share notes?

So, we ended up going over to the hospital so the fetal/maternal medicine specialists could do the same flippin’ ultrasound to tell us - FOUR HOURS LATER - that Pee Wee’s cervix was exactly the same as when she was discharged three weeks ago. Before we left, I made sure to talk with another doctor from the clinic and request that the records from the hospital be forwarded over. This doctor assured me that all the records were sent over this time and were previously. Really? Well, why were we here then?

See, Pee Wee’s appointment was late in the day. The doctor’s office closes at 5 pm. The doctor would have had to stay over to about 5:15 pm to compare the two ultrasounds and find out that NOTHING HAD CHANGED and she probably would have missed drinks with the girls. Much better to drive our financial costs up and cause us inconvenience than to stay for a few minutes longer.

Anyway, when it was all done, I was mentally exhausted. Yes, Pee Wee was aggravated too, but she lets me do all the worrying and get worked up. I went up to bed and imagined I was sleeping on a memory foam mattress, fell right to sleep and then woke up sore from head to foot. Yes, my tension followed me through the night. Lovely. I wonder if I can charge the clinic for that? Wouldn’t that be nice.

1. The baby is fine. [↩]