Sigh

Life has been like running on a treadmill for me lately. It’s been so incredibly busy and crazy and I just can’t seem to get done what I want to get done (though I do get done what I need to get done). I have work and school and 4 year old and a child-like husband (who sometimes just needs his blankie and a nap, I think). I have a grandchild and his mother who is living on her own, but still needing so much help from me.

I want to do a lot of things—like work in my garden, read a good book, or pump out a really good blog post—but none of that seems even remotely possible right now. I do know that I’m changing a few things around here and around Simply Stating, but I’m not exactly sure of what that is. I can tell you that I’m not thrilled about the direction either blog is going and that I know for a fact I can do much better with them than I have been doing. It’s a little shameful, really, the way I’ve lost focused on a couple of things that are fun to me and, because of that, a little bit necessary for me.

I’m trying to find a voice for myself that doesn’t collide with other voices in the blogging community—at least not in a way that is combative or can be construed as bitchy. I’ve found some people to be very abrasive and am trying desperately to stay away from them as I don’t need the drama, but think sometimes my issues with them would make good blog fodder on my other blog. Or for here, if it was more relevant to what I want to accomplish on this blog. Then I find myself backing away, shaking my head, and leaving post after post unfinished. And I think I’m not taken very seriously because of some of the writing I do and the fact that I’m not part of a huge online community with thousands of comments and even more forum posts. I am just living my life and wish I didn’t have to have two. There is not enough time in my day for my offline life to give me time to develop deep meaningful relationships online.

Here is another example of not being focused and not being able to find exactly what it is that bothers me. Something is taking away from the initial thrill I found while blogging. Something is taking away from my desire to make posts that were informative and funny and uniquely me. I can’t quite put my finger on what that something is. It’s like that elusive word that you can almost say, but your tongue won’t spit it out. But I want to pinpoint that and I want to change it. Blogging was always a stress reliever for me. I was able to leave my troubles on the page and out of my head.

It’s not like that for me anymore. I find myself reserved, mistrusting and deleting too many thoughts and ideas. I’m being too polite, to reserved, too something and it’s taking away the joy. I don’t like that and I’m tired of it. I’m going to try to figure out what it is that I want to do with my writing and go in that direction. Something’s got to give here, because I need a stress valve.