Tales from the Brain Fog

The worst, worst, part of my illness is the cognitive dysfunction. Everything else I can handle- the strange itch can be ignored, the droopy eye (eyebrow) can be hidden, the freaking pain can be eased with medication. But the cognition problems are truly doing me in. There is nothing I can do to make it better. Nothing. I’m stuck.

Tonight in psychology I was trying to explain what I meant when answering a question. It was about negative reinforcement and what that can mean. I had no problem imagining the concept. My problem came when I tried to vocalize what I’d imagined. I couldn’t get entire phrases right. I finally had to break down and admit I couldn’t find my words. Though my professor is a Doctor of Psychology he still looked at me like I was high on crack. He kind of cocked his head, squinted and nodded as if he were going to say “Uh-huh, how’s about trying some different meds then, nutso.”

Of course, he didn’t say that. He just looked like it took a lot of effort for him not to say that.

There used to be a time when I could go toe to toe with intellectuals. I used to be one. I used to have a killer vocabulary. I used to be able to explain things extremely well- even to people who were clueless. That was then. Now I know and I can comprehend and I can get the damned answers right on the test. But I can’t participate and I can’t explain myself. And I can’t help anyone without making their situation so much worse.

I told my husband tonight that it’s getting worse. I know it’s getting worse because last semester when I took speech I wasn’t this bad. I just kind of stuttered and somehow managed to keep it going. Now when I falter my tongue refuses to go any further. It’s like my body is telling me to stop until I can get my mind back under control. But I don’t know how that’s possible. I think back on last semester and I miss that woman and she was many times confused and addle minded. But she was able to somehow keep going and she was able to write words without transposing letters and she was able to finish a damned sentence without embarrassing herself. She was able to be a part of the class. To speak like a coherent adult.  She’s gone now.

I don’t think this is supposed to be getting worse, you know. I’ve read that it’s not a progressive disease and this is how it’s always going to be. But that’s not true for me. It is getting worse. I’m afraid of it now. I wasn’t before, but after tonight I am really, really afraid of it.

I just want my mind back.